SIDE 1

BUDDY

All fixed!

MICHAEL

Yay, Buddy!

(hugs BUDDY)

You re the man!

EMILY

Nice going, Buddy.

(EMILY hugs BUDDY too. The door opens, and WALTER enters. WALTER stops short upon seeing BUDDY, MICHAEL and EMILY all happily hugging each other.)

WALTER

What in the devil is going on here?!

BUDDY

Hi, Dad!


MICHAEL

Look, Buddy fixed my wind machine!

EMILY

He s stayin with us!

WALTER

Staying with us? What do you mean, Emily, he s staying with us?

(EMILY grabs WALTER s arm and moves him away from BUDDY and MICHAEL. EMILY picks up an envelope from the table.)

EMILY

Walter, I ve been, uh, very busy the last couple of days. You see, I took a strand of Buddy s hair, and a few strands of your hair from the sink, then I had my cousin at Beth Israel Hospital compare the two and...

WALTER

(worried)

And?

EMILY

(hands WALTER the envelope with a DNA report)

You have an elf for a son.

WALTER

Oh, no.

(During the above, we see BUDDY and MICHAEL move closer to eavesdrop. BUDDY races to hug WALTER. MICHAEL follows right behind BUDDY.)

BUDDY

Yay! I knew it! I knew it! Dad!!! Dad!!! Dad!!!

MICHAEL

I got a big brother! This is so cool! I can t believe it!

BUDDY

I planned out our whole first day, Dad. Just you and me. Tomorrow we will...

WALTER

Tomorrow I ve got to go to work...

EMILY

(interrupting)

Tomorrow, your father will take you to work with him.

WALTER

All right, but if you re coming with me you ll have to lose that costume. We ll stop at Brooks Brothers on the way and get you a suit.

BUDDY

Oh! Can it be red like Santa s?

WALTER

No.

SIDE 2

SAM

We got a problem, Mr. Hobbs. Jingles The Jolly Christmas Puppy is tanking in every bookstore in the country.

WALTER

Why?

SAM

Because two whole pages are missing from the last chapter.

WALTER

What?

SAM

Without them the end of the book makes no sense.

WALTER

(calling to DEB)

Deb!


DEB

Yes, Mr. Hobbs.

WALTER

Coffee! Now!

DEB

Right away.

WALTER

(EMILY and twelve-year-old MICHAEL enter.)

EMILY

Hi, darling.

MICHAEL

Hi, Dad.

EMILY

Ready to go?

WALTER

Go where?

EMILY

Christmas shopping, remember?

WALTER

I can t. I m swamped.

MICHAEL

Dad, it is well documented that the children of workaholics are prone to self-esteem issues.

(WALTER stares at EMILY, baffled. DEB stifles a laugh.)

WALTER

Could we please continue this delightful conversation over here?