Script

SIDE 1

(GUARDS lead on a group of FAIRY TALE CREATURES)

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS

Right this way. Don t mind the mud. You ll get used to it.

PINOCCHIO

This place is a dump!

WOLF

It s not fit for a pig!

PIG #3

(German accent)

Hello!

PIG #2

(German accent)

Vee can hear you!

PIG #1

(German accent)

Vee are standing right here!

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS

Look, you all read Lord Farquaad s decree.

PINOCCHIO

Yeah, yeah, we read it.  All fairy tale creatures have been banished from the Kingdom of Duloc. All fruitcakes and freaks are hereby evicted.

CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS

Alright, when I call your name, step forward.

SIDE 2

FARQUAAD

Boooooooooooooooooo!

(turns to FIONA)

Are we ready, darling?

FIONA

I can t.

(FIONA rushes off.)

PINOCCHIO

That s it! We ve taken your abuse for the last time, Farquaad!

BABY BEAR

Well no more!

WITCH

It ends today!

PIG #1

Power to zee piggies!

MAMA BEAR

We demand our homes back!

PINOCCHIO

And our rightful place in Duloc! Right guys?

FAIRY TALE CREATURES

(ad libbed)

This guy is a sham! He ll pay! Up with fairies! Power to the cookies! (etc.)

FARQUAAD

It ll be a dark day before I let you freaks ruin my wedding!

PINOCCHIO

Freaks, eh? Well, I guess it takes one to know one.

FARQUAAD

What?

PINOCCHIO

Be prepared to have your mind blown.

(PINOCCHIO gestures. The FAIRY TALE CREATURES part, and a very grumpy DWARF steps forward.)

DWARF

Hiiiiii-hoooooooh!

FARQUAAD

(reels a bit)

Daddy?

(The CROWD gasps.)

DWARF

I suppose my invitation was lost in the mail?

FARQUAAD

Well maybe if you hadn t abandoned me in the woods!

DWARF

Abandoned you? You were twenty-eight, and living in my basement!

PINOCCHIO

People of Duloc, your leader if a Halfling!

MAMA BEAR

Which is a lovely thing to be!

FARQUAAD

(tantrum)

I m a king! I m a big man! A big tall giant man with a kingdom!

Not-a-freak! Not-a-freak! I have a castle!

FIONA

(enters with a lantern, which illuminates her face)

Stop the wedding!

SIDE 3

SHREK

What are you doing in my swamp?

PINOCCHIO

Well gosh, we were forced to come here.

SHREK

Forced? By who?

PIG #2

Lord Farquaad! He hoofed und he poofed, und he signed an eveection notice.

SHREK

Huh. Well, not my problem. Now you all need to turn around and go back where you came from.

MAMA BEAR

Go back?! We can t go back!

PIG #1

Farquaad vill turn us into bratvurst!

BIG BAD WOLF

The guy s bad news.

PIG #3

Hey, maybe you could talk to him.

BABY BEAR

Yeah, he ll listen to you! You re big and scary.

SHREK

I m also an ogre, which means I stay on my swamp and avoid large crowds. Or haven t you read the stories?

BIG BAD WOLF

You mean those stories that say I m a big  bad wolf?

WICKED WITCH

And the ones that say I m a  wicked witch?

(All the FAIRY TALE CREATURES laugh uproariously.)

PINOCCHIO

Or the ones that say I m a  wooden boy!

(uncomfortable silence)

What? I m not a wooden boy.

(His nose grows  bwoooop.)

I have a glandular condition.

WICKED WITCH

Look here, ogre, I m gonna spell it out for ya. You re the only one tough enough to stand up to that no-good flim-flammer Farquaad.

SHREK

Okay, fine, I get it! Attention all... fairy tale things! I m gonna go see this Farquaad guy right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!