Script

SIDE 1

(POLYNESIA the parrot stands on Dolittle s desk, watching as MADELINE ushers in GENERAL BELLOWES, a ferocious-looking man not used to being kept waiting. He bursts unceremoniously into the room, leaning heavily on a walking-stick, and hobbling on a heavily bandaged foot.)

Won t you please come in, General Bellowes? What seems to be the problem?

These pills you gave me last week. They ve done absolutely nothing to cure my gout!

(BELLOWES lobs the bottle of pills into the air. To catch them, DOLITTLE drops the heavy book he is holding. It lands on BELLOWES bandaged foot. He roars with pain, and staggers back, falling into a large armchair. He screams in a renewed agony, leaping back up on to his feet and clutching his rear.)

Aaah! What was that?!

(calmly)
Oh, don t worry! You just sat on Herbert.

Who the devil is Herbert?

He s a hedgehog!

What s a hedgehog doing in a doctor s office?

He s recuperating.

Recuperating? A hedgehog? From what?

He had a narrow escape from the hounds of The Puddleby Fox Hunt, of which I believe you are Master. He s also recovering from being sat on.

Never mind that. What about my gout? And those useless pills?

Well, let s see now.
(looks at the pills)
Ah, no wonder! These are Jip s distemper pills. I wondered what had happened to them.

Jip?

My dog. This explains why he s not feeling any better, either!  I ve been treating him for gout! Here, Jip!
(JIP trots gratefully over to DOLITTLE, who pops a pill into his mouth. JIP barks in gratitude. DOLITTLE takes a second bottle of pills from his desk and offers them to BELLOWES.)
Here, we d better swap. Sorry about that.

(furious)
I think you d better make up your mind, sir, whether you re running a medical practice or an animal sanctuary! Goodday, sir!

(BELLOWES staggers out of the room. DOLITTLE shakes his head in despair.))

SIDE 2

Polynesia

You studied in Polynesia?

No, I studied with Polynesia. She s my parrot.

Dolittle, what kind of fool do you take me for?

I really don t know you well enough to judge, sir. With all due respect, Your Worship, I would appreciate an opportunity to prove my point by talking to any animal you care to nominate&

Very well. My dog Rufus is outside. Bailiff, bring in Rufus!

Call Rufus Bellowes.

(BELLOWES large dog RUFUS enters. DOLITTLE barks at him and shakes his left leg. RUFUS barks back. Dog dialogue ensues. The BAILIFF, uncertainly, approaches RUFUS with a bible.)

Raise your right paw.

Er& I think we can dispense with that formality.
(The BAILIFF returns to his place.)
Ask him what I had for dinner last night.

Very Wellbr>(DOLITTLE barks at RUFUS and RUFUS barks back.)
Did he?... Did he?... Did he?(bark)
Really? That much, eh?

What did he say?

DOLITTLEI m grateful that Your Lordship acknowledges the fact that the dog was talking!

(The CROWD laughs and applauds.)