Script

SIDE 1

Excuse me, I'd like to inquire after the room for rent.

Trust me, you don't want to stay here. The manager's mean, the rooms are hot, and the water always cold.

Perfect.

(ushers MISS DOROTHY to the door; very sarcastic)

Look, there's one room available, and it's mine. So unless you want a roommate

With all my heart!

I was kidding! Although, you need the room; I need the rent. It's a single bed&

I'll take the floor!

What's your angle, sister? You want the low life, but I see the Ritz written all over you.

Then help me be rewritten. I'm here to learn how the other half lives!

And I'm here to tell you, not very well.

But you have friends, don't you? Soul mates. Not fourteen karat phonies who only like you for your money.

So you take my half and I'll take yours: Saks Fifth Avenue! Bergdorf Goodman!

(An idea!)
In fact, we could be very good for each other. I'll show you how to eat on a nickel.

And I'll show you which fork to use.

I'll teach you how to stretch a dollar.

And I'll teach you how to invest one.

I'm on the way up!

I'm on the way down!

It's a good thing we met in the middle!

My very first poor person!

(her feathers ruffled)
Hey, I'm broke, not poor.

There's a difference?

And how! Poor sounds permanent, broke can be fixed. I have a plan so far ahead of its time, it's almost too bold, too daring, too new woman: I'm going to marry my boss!

When?

I don't know. I haven't got one yet!

Surely you believe that love

Has nothing to do with it! Don't you read Vogue? This month's issue clearly states that modern marriage is a business arrangement. Love comes later, occasionally with the man you're actually married to.

Where will you find him?

The classifieds. I've been interviewing boss after boss, but so far, married, married, engaged, married, single and-I-can-see-why

Don't you read the tabloids?

(removes a newspaper from her purse and shows it to MILLIE)
"Manhattan's Most Eligible Bachelors!" All of whom need wives&

And one of whom must need a stenog!

SIDE 2

Millie, I hate to bother you at the office

(with acid)
More research on how the other half lives?

Oh, Millie, I feel so dirty! He had this peculiar grin on his face as he went to shake my hand... only it wasn't my hand he wanted to shake. He... he...

He pounced!

My knees buckled!

No wonder you couldn't stop him! And as far as you knew, I was going to marry my boss.

You mean you're not?

I most certainly am!

Perfect! But what does your boss have to do with my audition for David Belasco?

That's right, the big audition! How did it go?

(Haven't you been listening, Millie?)

Fine. Until he& he& pounced. Do I look like the sort of girl who would allow a man to take liberties?

You look helpless, so they think they can get away with it. Well, take a page from my book, Miss Dorothy: callous up! Higher heels, shorter skirts& and you're not going like this cut your hair!

Cut my hair?!

No time like the present, Miss Dorothy!

(MILLIE and MISS DOROTHY start to exit.)