SIDE 1

(Enter JIMMY SMITH, a brash city slicker with an irrepressible, buoyant personality. In a moment of desperation, MILLIE trips him. JIMMY lands hard on his butt.)

Owwwwww!

(MILLIE and JIMMY start talking simultaneously.)

But my purse is gone!

(as in "What do you want me to do about it?")

And?

That man, he stole my purse! That man, he stole my purse!

Watch where you're going, why don'cha? You don't own the sidewalk, lady!

My hat, my scarf,

(indicating her bare foot)
my shoe!

They stole your shoe?

While I was wearing it. Ten minutes in this town, and I have my New York horror story.

Honey, you're my New York horror story.

(JIMMY starts to exit.)

It's every penny I have!

(JIMMY stops.)

Hey, I feel for you. Girls like you arrive here everyday, so full of dreams you may as well be sleepwalking. Well, now that you're awake, I'm curious: you got a place to stay?

No, but

Any friends or family nearby?

No, but

And you don't have a job?

No, but

No buts. You ain't got nothin'.

(This takes the wind out of MILLIE's sails. JIMMY reaches for her hand, and MILLIE recoils.)

Relax. It's my good deed for the decade.

(JIMMY removes a pen from his pocket and writes on her hand.)

Then I'd hate to see a bad one, 'cause you're really not helping.

(JIMMY shows MILLIE her palm, which she reads.)

The "Hotel Priscilla?"

A rooming house round the corner. And I can't help thinking if I were in your

(indicating MILLIE's footwear predicament)
shoe, I'd check myself in, get a good night's sleep, then first thing tomorrow, wire home for train fare. Your folks will be only too glad to send it, and you may not believe me now, but once you return to Keokuck or Gopherville

(defiantly)
Salina, Kansas. And who are you, the unwelcome wagon?

That's me, so go home, country mouse. 'Cause when you get there, you'll say to yourself,

(an exaggerated imitation of a hick)
"Well, I had my big adventure, but it sure is good to be back in my own bed."

(JIMMY exits, leaving MILLIE alone and dispirited.)

SIDE 2

(Side-by-side jail cells, MILLIE and WOMEN in one cell, and JIMMY and MEN in the other.)

Psst, Kansas. Don't be scared.

(puts on a brave front)
Who says I'm scared?

(obviously scared)
How long you think they'll keep us?

Overnight. Unless you got a hairpin. I've a knack for breaking and entering.

Misspent youth?

Eighteen years on Long Island. If that ain't misspent, I don't know what is.

It's closer than Kansas.

Hey, when you're stuck on the other side, the East River's wide as an ocean.

I hope you're serious about that hairpin. I've got to be at work in a few hours.

What do you do?

Stenog. For now. You?

Depends. When I want to see a show, I'm an usher for a night. When the Yankees play at home, it's "Popcorn! Peanuts! Cracker Jack!" And when the open seas are calling... well, the Circle Line's always in need of a knowledgeable guide.

And you make a living?

I make a life. It sure beats sitting at a desk eight hours a day, fretting over the price of steel.

Steel?

(JIMMY revealed more than he intended. He quickly covers.)

My old job. Steel... equipment for offices.

(she almost feels sorry for him)
Oh. Paper clips, like.

Yep. Paper clips, like.

I'd have never pegged you for a paper clip man. Bootleg gin, maybe. Or ladies' lingerie.

(his version of an apology)
I thought you pegged me for a jerk.

I did. But I still think you deserve better than paper clips.

So do you.

How do you like that? We have something in common.

Can I ask you a personal question?

What?

Your name.

Millie Dillmount.

Jimmy Smith.

Put a sock in it, why don't you.

How's a bum supposed to enjoy the free bed with you two yapping all night?

(whispered to JIMMY)
Goodnight.

Goodnight, Millie Dillmount.

(The lights dim in MILLIE's cell as she closes her eyes. JIMMY paces, then sits and watches MILLIE.)

SIDE 3

(A New York City Street, early the next morning. MILLIE enters, immediately followed by JIMMY.)

JIMMY

Hey Millie, wait up. Wanna grab a cup of coffee?

MILLIE

I can t. I barely have time to swing by the Priscilla, change, then run to the office.

JIMMY

A quick cup of joe.

MILLIE

I m new on the job, so I doubt they ll overlook my being late.

JIMMY

They will if they know what s good for them. They re lucky to have you, Millie Dillmount.

MILLIE

(means a lot, coming from Mr.  You ain t got nothin  )

Thank you. And may I say, Jimmy Smith, the Circle Line s lucky to have you. You re not so hot with new arrivals, but underneath it all, I ve a hunch you re a really great

(Stretching the vowel, e.g.  guy, then over pronouncing the  d )

guide.

(MILLIE starts to exit.)

JIMMY

Say, you a Yankees fan?

MILLIE

You need help with the Cracker Jack?

JIMMY

Actually, I have tickets to this afternoon s game. Why not play hooky and we ll make a day of it!

MILLIE

No can do. You don t know my fiancé.

JIMMY

Fiancé?!

MILLIE

Boss. And fiancé. I m going to marry him.

JIMMY

Wow. Love at first sight?

MILLIE

Not for the Modern. She takes charge of her destiny. No more waiting at port for my ship to come in. I went out and found him: Trevor Graydon, the Third!

JIMMY

(his mood suddenly soured)

Sounds like a stiff.

MILLIE

(trying to convince herself as much as him)

Some would say so, but I see a side of him that few people are lucky enough to see.

JIMMY

While you re sitting on his lap?

MILLIE

I ve only been there a day!

JIMMY

(the third degree)

Has he kissed you yet?

MILLIE

(disappointed)

No.

JIMMY

Does he have a pet name for you?

MILLIE

Yes!

JIMMY

What?

MILLIE

John!

JIMMY

John? That s not very romantic.

MILLIE

But it s modern. He calls me John because I m so efficient:  Johnny-on-the-spot.

JIMMY

Sweet. Maybe you could work it into the vows:  I, Trevor, take you, John, to be my lawfully wedded stenog.

MILLIE

Well if you re going to be old-fashioned about it, I ll keep my plan to myself.

JIMMY

Hey, you want to marry a man who thinks of you as a typewriter on legs, be my guest.

MILLIE

Thank you, I will. The new woman chooses reason over romance any day of the week.

(proudly)

And I m a new woman!

JIMMY

Marrying for money s the oldest trick in the book.

MILLIE

(a real dig)

It beats marrying for paper clips.

JIMMY

Then maybe we shouldn t see each other again.

MILLIE

(rubbing GRAYDON in JIMMY s face)

What do I care? Any day now, my time will be consumed by my boss-slash-fiancé, Mr. Trevor Graydon, the Third! So fly away, butterfly boy: flower to flower to flower!

JIMMY

You got a problem with that?

MILLIE

I m merely suggesting that you grow up, skirt chaser!

JIMMY

Golddigger!

MILLIE

Womanizer!

JIMMY

Jezebel!

MILLIE

Casanova!

(MILLIE and JIMMY are nose-to-nose. JIMMY grabs MILLIE and kisses her cheek. MILLIE spontaneously responds by returning the kiss with a peck. JIMMY exits in a panic, leaving MILLIE in utter confusion.)